Expanded cable + Aging rock star = Train wreck

Mrs. E: I have a confession.
Mr. E: OK ... what is it?
Mrs. E: I watched "Rock of Love" again last night when you were gone. I just can't help myself. But it's the dumbest show!
Mr. E: Was it awesome?
Mrs. E: Yes ... Yes it was.

This needs to be settled

Consider this my official request for a live, televised debate between representatives of both popcorn producers and microwave manufacturers regarding whether or not to utilize the "popcorn button" when microwaving a bag of popcorn.

I am serious ... and don't call me Shirley.

I've never considered myself to be a "doom-and-gloom" person, but enough air travel can lead to some pretty macabre thoughts.

While waiting out a recent departure delay, I found myself wondering if I died in a plane crash, would my infant daughter ever know how much I love her? The very next thought was that if I died in a plane crash today, I'd hate for my last meal to have been those boneless buffalo wings at Chili's.

The dangers of marriage

I had a cold so I went to bed a few minutes earlier than normal. I was dozing off on my side, facing away from her when she turned off the light and crawled into bed, shivering a bit as she pulled the comforter over herself. She said, "Good night," and I rolled to my back so she could kiss me goodnight. Blinded by the darkness, she said, "Where are you?" and put her right hand out to push herself toward me for the customary end-of-day smooch. "Ack," I said, pushing her arm away quickly. She had put most of her weight into that right hand, which was planted firmly on my throat. "You're choking me!" I said, in a tone a bit too desperate for the situation.

We laughed for several minutes before falling asleep.

Favorite public restroom notice

We aim to please. You aim, too, please.

Required reading

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/i_got_what_america_needs_right

To anyone who enjoyed the first post

Stay tuned. You're gonna like it here. There's plenty more razor-sharp wit where that came from. And screw anyone who agreed with the second post. They don't know a good thing when they see it, right?

To anyone who thought the first post was terrible

Agreed. But can you blame me for setting the bar low? It's called "managing expectations" and a key principle in my professional and personal life.

It's similar to my friend Paul's theory on dating, to wit: "Get the first fart out of the way as soon as possible, preferably on the first date. Once it's out there, things will be a lot easier. You'll both laugh about it. You've set the standard. You're not only cutting the cheese, you're cutting the tension. Then there's none of this holding back your gas for weeks and causing undue agony. Everybody farts, right? So why fake it?"

So there you go. I'm getting the fart out of the way early. Managing expectations. Keeping the bar set low ... and what have you.

Reversed sayings that, curiously, haven't become popular:

"Don't love me because I'm ugly."

"It's an easy way to make a tough living."