Social studies for 1-year-olds

Mrs. E. pulls out the box of colorful plastic blocks (the ones that look like over-sized Legos) and says, "Let's build something, Elsie. Oh, I know, let's build a bridge to nowhere!"

Happy Anniversary!

"I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it. " - Steve Martin as Navin Johnson in The Jerk

On Saturday, Anne and I will celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary in NYC, where we're spending a long weekend, sans baby. I'm getting really excited for this trip. I've been to New York twice -- once when I was about 11 years old (too young to properly appreciate it) and again during college (too broke to do it right) with my friend Mike. I'm pumped to visit NYC with Anne for a number of reasons, including the fact that she's never been there before.

Saturday night we're going to Ideya for dinner (thanks to Megan and Dan for the recommendation). Sunday we're going to be uber-tourists during the day and see a show at night. And Monday evening we're going to the Bronx to watch the Twins (hopefully) kick some Yankee ass.

Happy anniversary, Anne!

Dear Internet:

It's June and I still have nothing to say. Here are more things I want to do before I die:

41. Brew beer with a home kit

42. Read at least one book a month

43. Fund an endowed scholarship - At MSU, of course ...

44. Bring my kid(s) to Bean Blossom - My dad has been going to this bluegrass festival every year since 1973. I used to go with him as a kid and still make it about once every three years, including last week's festival.

45. Attend Bonaroo Music Festival

46. Go to Las Vegas for the first round of the NCAA tourney - Thursday-Sunday of the NCAA basketball tourney is the best four days in sports, as far as I'm concerned.

47. Attend a Duke-UNC basketball game - Adam, a little help w/ tickets???

48. Become completely debt free

49. Teach a college class

50. Throw a cream pie in someone's face

In a word, yes.

Overheard at Sam's Club:

Man: Is that a smoked sausage or a Polish sausage?
Demo woman: It's a smoked Polish sausage.

Rejection

Date: Monday, May 12, 2008 7:16 PM
From: lists at mcsweeneys dot net
To: soren24 at charter dot net
Subject: Re: List submission

Hi, Soren -Thanks for the look, but I'm afraid we're not going to use this one.

Best,
Chris

On Fri 2/05/08, soren24 sent:

My rejected reading suggestions prior to being asked not to participate in our company-sponsored book club:

The Kama Sutra
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
The Anarchist's Cookbook
The Secret

-Sören Erickson

Life list 31-40

I'm milking this list for about a month's worth of blogging, huh? The list continues ...

31. Learn how to drive a motorcycle - The older I get, the more interested I am in riding a motorcycle. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?

32. Write a book or script

33. Go white-water rafting

34. Earn a master's degree - I started an MBC program at the University of St. Thomas, but it's just too damn expensive for me right now.

35. Become ABC (or APR) accredited - I'm planning to do the ABC accreditation program this fall.

36. Learn how to play golf - I used to joke that I wouldn't take up golf until I turned 30. Maybe it'll be 40. Or, maybe when my knees won't allow me to play basketball anymore, which could be any day now.

37. Attend a bullfight

38. Attend a live boxing match

39. Help build a Habitat for Humanity home

40. Start my own business

Life list 21-30

21. Visit all 50 states - I have seven left: Alaska, Hawaii, Maine, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Vermont and West Virginia.

22. Scuba dive

23. Attend a formal father/daughter dance with Elsie

24. Go to games at these 5 pro baseball parks: San Fran, Boston, Baltimore, Seattle, NY Yankees - Looks like I'll be able to check NYY off the list this summer when Mrs. E and I watch our beloved Twins visit the Yanks during our 5th anniversary vacation to NYC.

25. Buy stock - Check this one off the list. Mrs. E and I bought three shares of BWLD. Why? I worked at the Mankato Buffalo Wild Wings (aka "B-Dubs") in college, it's a Minnesota company and our semi-frequent guilty dining pleasure.

26. Be part of a live studio audience - preferably The Daily Show, but anything that doesn't involve trailer trash paternity tests will do.

27. Camp in the boundary waters - I can't believe I've never been to the boundary waters. I'm a terrible Minnesotan!

28. Attend a Final Four basketball game

29. Attend a World Series game - Preferably involving the Twins.

30. Attend a Super Bowl - Will the Vikings return to the Super Bowl in my lifetime? Will they win it ... well, ever? I'd like to be there for it, either way. But I doubt I'd pay to see a Super Bowl in which the Vikings didn't play.

Truism of the day: Parenting is tough

Mrs. E and I have this fight all the time.

Life list 11-20

11. Semi-retire by age 56 - Why 56? Because it's 25 years from now and, should I make it that far, it seems that's long enough to work full-time. Maybe it's not realistic, but I would like to completely retire by 65 ... when I'm still young enough to enjoy it.

12. Attend a concert at Red Rocks Amphitheater - I've visited this place twice, but haven't been there for a concert. The place is gorgeous ... and it attracts some damn good bands, too.

13. Visit Vancouver - This item, and the next two, would have happened two summers ago if not for The Tax Bill From Hell, which forced us to spend our vacation savings.

14. Visit Alaska

15. Take a cruise

16. Make a batch of dad's spaghetti sauce - My dad used to own his own restaurant and is an excellent cook. About once a year, he makes spaghetti sauce in a 50-quart pot. It makes the house smell wonderful.

17. Cook dinner with my children more often than not - Elsie has changed many of my priorities. Something I had never considered before her arrival was the importance of leaving work on time to get home and have a family dinner. I'm already doing my best to achieve this one ... even if "cooking" means shaking up a bottle of formula and mashing up a banana.

18. Go on a ski trip to Colorado - I've only been skiing a few times and only in Minnesota, which is kind of like saying, "I've only drank alcohol a couple times and it was peach schnapps."

19. Go wild turkey hunting - For work I sometimes travel to the Southeast to interview people who grow pine trees. Some of these people have convinced me that wild turkey hunting is an excellent experience, whether it's done with a shotgun, a bow or a camera.

20. Host a surprise party for someone - Doesn't this sound fun? I mean, assuming it goes off without a hitch and the person is legitimately surprised.

Life list 1-10

What better way to escape (mentally, at least) from a spring blizzard than thinking about things you'd rather be doing?

I've spent time recently compiling a "life list" (aka "bucket" list, as in "things to do before you kick the bucket") and am up to 40 items. My only criteria for each list item is that it's realistically feasible and something I want to do (duh).

In no particular order of importance, here are 10 items from my life list, with some explanation of why each made the list:


1. Get something published on McSweeney's - I've submitted a couple lists but have thus far been rejected. If you haven't visited McSweeney's, check it out. Dan Kennedy is my favorite regular contributor.

2. See live polar bears in the wild - I've been fascinated by polar bears since childhood. There is a tour in Canada each year where you take a bus into polar bear habitat. It's kind of high-priced ($1,500+) considering it's a vacation that doesn't involve laying on the beach drinking frozen margaritas ... but still, polar bears are awesome!

3. Travel to Europe - I visited England and Ireland when I was 18, and I'd love to return, but I'd also like to see Italy, Germany, France and Amsterdam (I know what you're thinking Randy, but it's all about the Van Gogh museum ... or at least that's what I'm telling my wife).

4. Take an improv class (Brave New Workshop?) - This just seems like it would be a lot of fun. And hopefully Michael Scott wouldn't be in my class.

5. Teach my kid(s) how to play pool - The first time I played pool with my dad I was only able to see over the table by standing on a milk crate. To this day, it remains one of my favorite hobbies, even though I haven't played competitively or had my own pool table for a few years.

6. Ride bike from home (Farmington) to Eagle Lake in one day - I don't cycle nearly as much as my blogging friends Adam or Randy, but I think it might be fun to ride from my house to my parents' someday. There's a nice paved trail for most of the ride.

7. Own a lake house - I'd love to live on a lake. Cabins are too much hassle. It's hard enough taking care of one house, much less two. So why not own a lake house? After all, there's more than 10,000 lakes to choose from up here in Minnah-SO-duh.

8. Write a letter a month - As much as I love e-mail, it's kinda sad that hand-written letters have gone the way of the dodo. I haven't started this one yet, but should. But how long should I keep it up? A year? Ten years? Forever?

9. Visit Cuba - And yes, I'll smoke a cohiba when I'm there.

10. Attend the Kentucky Derby - This is the first of many sporting events on my list. I'm not a huge fan of horseracing, but this event just seems electric. Plus, it's a good excuse to drink bourbon ... as if I need an excuse!

Do you have a life list? What's on it and why?

Watch your mouth

Dentist: "Well, I've got some bad news. You're going to need to come back to have a crown put in."
Mrs. E: "Oh no! I feel so old."
Dentist: "Old? What do you mean?"
Mrs. E: "Well, I feel like only old people have crowns."
Dentist: "I have two crowns."

Negotiations

Dialogue waiting for the plot I've yet to develop for the book and/or film I'll probably never write:

"Alright, let's make a deal."
"What?"
"If you shut up ... I'll stop screaming 'Shut up' at you. How does that sound?"

Uninspired

Dear reader(s):

Unless you want to hear me bitch about how: A.) spring cannot get here fast enough; B.) even the most Swiss-esque of us sometimes get caught up in office drama; or C.) a lack of uniterrupted sleep caused by an otherwise wonderful child has Mrs. E and I on the edge of sanity ... well, I don't have much to offer.

So I'm going to be lazy and post a few quotes I've collected that seem particularly appropriate this week:

"People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one."
- Leo J. Burke

"The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work."
- Robert Frost

"Inspiration is wonderful when it happens, but the writer must develop an approach for the rest of the time... The wait is simply too long."
- Leonard Bernstein

Doomsday

How weird is it that we live in a world where this isn't something from a sci-fi movie but rather a pretty good plan?

Don't be so (double) negative!

When did it become trendy for fortune cookies not to have an actual fortune in them? Yes, they still have that miniature piece of paper with a phrase on them, but most of them aren't fortunes. Instead they dole out horoscope-esque advice (Taking a chance at work may pay off in the long run) or lame, generic compliments (You are a thoughtful friend).

Posted in my workspace is the best non-fortune fortune cookie I've ever opened. It's especially fun for someone who fancies himself a writer. It reads: "You are not illiterate."

In lieu of musical ability

Potential band names, should I ever get struck by lightning and inexplicably be able to play an instrument or carry a tune:

• Double Positive
• Re-dickless (or "RE: Dickless" ... I can't decide)
• Cream of Mushroom Troupe

And, a special bonus for you, dear reader(s) ... A record label name:

• Brazilian Wax

You've got to draw the line somewhere

My dad, talking about milk:

"We buy 1 percent. I'd get 2 percent, because it tastes better, but then I'd be able to justify whole milk, which is better yet. But if you're going to do that, why not just use half and half, or the real treat: heavy whipping cream?"

Blame it on the student loans

Observation while driving: If the stickers in the back window of your car are for Stanford University and Harvard Law School, I would think you'd be capable of applying them in the center of the window, rather than slightly askew and asymmetrical. But then again, if you're a Stanford and Harvard Law grad, why the fuck are you driving a Ford Taurus?

Expanded cable + Aging rock star = Train wreck

Mrs. E: I have a confession.
Mr. E: OK ... what is it?
Mrs. E: I watched "Rock of Love" again last night when you were gone. I just can't help myself. But it's the dumbest show!
Mr. E: Was it awesome?
Mrs. E: Yes ... Yes it was.

This needs to be settled

Consider this my official request for a live, televised debate between representatives of both popcorn producers and microwave manufacturers regarding whether or not to utilize the "popcorn button" when microwaving a bag of popcorn.

I am serious ... and don't call me Shirley.

I've never considered myself to be a "doom-and-gloom" person, but enough air travel can lead to some pretty macabre thoughts.

While waiting out a recent departure delay, I found myself wondering if I died in a plane crash, would my infant daughter ever know how much I love her? The very next thought was that if I died in a plane crash today, I'd hate for my last meal to have been those boneless buffalo wings at Chili's.

The dangers of marriage

I had a cold so I went to bed a few minutes earlier than normal. I was dozing off on my side, facing away from her when she turned off the light and crawled into bed, shivering a bit as she pulled the comforter over herself. She said, "Good night," and I rolled to my back so she could kiss me goodnight. Blinded by the darkness, she said, "Where are you?" and put her right hand out to push herself toward me for the customary end-of-day smooch. "Ack," I said, pushing her arm away quickly. She had put most of her weight into that right hand, which was planted firmly on my throat. "You're choking me!" I said, in a tone a bit too desperate for the situation.

We laughed for several minutes before falling asleep.

Favorite public restroom notice

We aim to please. You aim, too, please.

Required reading

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/i_got_what_america_needs_right

To anyone who enjoyed the first post

Stay tuned. You're gonna like it here. There's plenty more razor-sharp wit where that came from. And screw anyone who agreed with the second post. They don't know a good thing when they see it, right?

To anyone who thought the first post was terrible

Agreed. But can you blame me for setting the bar low? It's called "managing expectations" and a key principle in my professional and personal life.

It's similar to my friend Paul's theory on dating, to wit: "Get the first fart out of the way as soon as possible, preferably on the first date. Once it's out there, things will be a lot easier. You'll both laugh about it. You've set the standard. You're not only cutting the cheese, you're cutting the tension. Then there's none of this holding back your gas for weeks and causing undue agony. Everybody farts, right? So why fake it?"

So there you go. I'm getting the fart out of the way early. Managing expectations. Keeping the bar set low ... and what have you.

Reversed sayings that, curiously, haven't become popular:

"Don't love me because I'm ugly."

"It's an easy way to make a tough living."