Doomsday

How weird is it that we live in a world where this isn't something from a sci-fi movie but rather a pretty good plan?

Don't be so (double) negative!

When did it become trendy for fortune cookies not to have an actual fortune in them? Yes, they still have that miniature piece of paper with a phrase on them, but most of them aren't fortunes. Instead they dole out horoscope-esque advice (Taking a chance at work may pay off in the long run) or lame, generic compliments (You are a thoughtful friend).

Posted in my workspace is the best non-fortune fortune cookie I've ever opened. It's especially fun for someone who fancies himself a writer. It reads: "You are not illiterate."

In lieu of musical ability

Potential band names, should I ever get struck by lightning and inexplicably be able to play an instrument or carry a tune:

• Double Positive
• Re-dickless (or "RE: Dickless" ... I can't decide)
• Cream of Mushroom Troupe

And, a special bonus for you, dear reader(s) ... A record label name:

• Brazilian Wax

You've got to draw the line somewhere

My dad, talking about milk:

"We buy 1 percent. I'd get 2 percent, because it tastes better, but then I'd be able to justify whole milk, which is better yet. But if you're going to do that, why not just use half and half, or the real treat: heavy whipping cream?"

Blame it on the student loans

Observation while driving: If the stickers in the back window of your car are for Stanford University and Harvard Law School, I would think you'd be capable of applying them in the center of the window, rather than slightly askew and asymmetrical. But then again, if you're a Stanford and Harvard Law grad, why the fuck are you driving a Ford Taurus?