Don't be so (double) negative!

When did it become trendy for fortune cookies not to have an actual fortune in them? Yes, they still have that miniature piece of paper with a phrase on them, but most of them aren't fortunes. Instead they dole out horoscope-esque advice (Taking a chance at work may pay off in the long run) or lame, generic compliments (You are a thoughtful friend).

Posted in my workspace is the best non-fortune fortune cookie I've ever opened. It's especially fun for someone who fancies himself a writer. It reads: "You are not illiterate."

You've got to draw the line somewhere

My dad, talking about milk:

"We buy 1 percent. I'd get 2 percent, because it tastes better, but then I'd be able to justify whole milk, which is better yet. But if you're going to do that, why not just use half and half, or the real treat: heavy whipping cream?"

Blame it on the student loans

Observation while driving: If the stickers in the back window of your car are for Stanford University and Harvard Law School, I would think you'd be capable of applying them in the center of the window, rather than slightly askew and asymmetrical. But then again, if you're a Stanford and Harvard Law grad, why the fuck are you driving a Ford Taurus?

Expanded cable + Aging rock star = Train wreck

Mrs. E: I have a confession.
Mr. E: OK ... what is it?
Mrs. E: I watched "Rock of Love" again last night when you were gone. I just can't help myself. But it's the dumbest show!
Mr. E: Was it awesome?
Mrs. E: Yes ... Yes it was.

I am serious ... and don't call me Shirley.

I've never considered myself to be a "doom-and-gloom" person, but enough air travel can lead to some pretty macabre thoughts.

While waiting out a recent departure delay, I found myself wondering if I died in a plane crash, would my infant daughter ever know how much I love her? The very next thought was that if I died in a plane crash today, I'd hate for my last meal to have been those boneless buffalo wings at Chili's.

The dangers of marriage

I had a cold so I went to bed a few minutes earlier than normal. I was dozing off on my side, facing away from her when she turned off the light and crawled into bed, shivering a bit as she pulled the comforter over herself. She said, "Good night," and I rolled to my back so she could kiss me goodnight. Blinded by the darkness, she said, "Where are you?" and put her right hand out to push herself toward me for the customary end-of-day smooch. "Ack," I said, pushing her arm away quickly. She had put most of her weight into that right hand, which was planted firmly on my throat. "You're choking me!" I said, in a tone a bit too desperate for the situation.

We laughed for several minutes before falling asleep.